I couldn't wait to get on Xanga, so I could come and spill everything that happened the other day to the two friends I have on here, only one I know at all, and that one being the reason I was wanting to post about. But something changed my mood from mad, to upset and saddened.
First, I want to explain what happened, from my point of view.
I went to the cafe that morning, hoping to see her. But not hoping in the same way she was. I just liked spending time with her. I'll honestly admit, I did have very strong feelings for her (and still do) but I put those feelings aside. She is (so I thought) in love with him. I didn't want to get in the way of that. He's a good guy. He doesn't deserve it. Anyway, I had been texting her all morning, so I knew she was coming to the cafe later. I was happy, to say the least.
Eventually she arrived...alone. And as much as anyone wants to think that I got excited about that, you are wrong. I just wanted to spend some time with her as a friend, as I always like to do. And if there is any reason out there I could give for ever wanting just to spend time alone with her, it would be because I feel that "he" doesn't like me (which now I know he doesn't like me).
He then showed up, and it was obvious they were having problems, but they played Magic because SHE likes to. As I settled back into my chair to play around on the computer, I decided I should check my Xanga, and maybe try to write a poem or something. Much to my surprise when I checked her Xanga, there was a post woth fifteen thigs she'd like to say to people but can't. I knew the more revealing and intimate ones were meant for me. I knew it. And it scared me, because of a few reasons:
1. It would hurt her because if I would act on her reaching out to me, then she would have to decide between me and him. I wouldn't make her do that.
2. It would hurt him because his girlfriend would break up with him for another guy. That could just about kill someone.
3. My feelings were beginning to resurface.
After he left, she came over to my table and reaffirmed my hypothesis about the post. All of the ones I thought were meant for me, were meant for me. I got scared but I was humbled and felt a little happy at the thought that these were for me. But again, I was scared, for the aforementioned reasons in the above paragraph.
Well, that night, to get some alone time with her, I completely shunned my friends for two or more hours to talk with her. We went outside initially, so we could get away from everyone, to talk about the obvious situation at hand...
I told her that I did feel like she felt sometimes, but I would quickly put those feelings aside for the sake of her and him. That was discussed for a short time before we decided that it was too cold outside. She suggested that we go sit in her car to talk. I denied with the reply, "People may think something of it."
*Obviously, now I know, SHE was thinking something of it.*
But she agreed not to, because she also knew that that wouldn't fly well with anyone, including herself.
*She is a very intelligent girl with a good heart, regardless of what anyone says*
So we went back inside and found a table by ourself. She then began to spill her innermost feelings about him and me, the contrasts, the interests, the reasons why and why not.
Let me explain.
She said that she had been using him. She explained that every time they had a problem, he would do something romantic or buy her something.
*All she wanted was to be loved for who she was, he and I both know that...he and I both do.*
She said that she hated the weird little voice that he would use to talk to her sometimes. She explained that she didn't want to be talked to as if she were a little kid or something.
*I knew that...but I doubt he did.*
She said that she's had these feelings for me for a long time. She explained that she, too, tried to put them away as best as she could.
*Unfortunately, she was never able to put those feelings aside as well as I had.*
She said that she needed to break up with him. She explained that she didn't want to hurt him anymore.
*I was torn then. I felt extremely bad that he was going to have to be put through this; however, I felt a sense of complete happiness...acceptance...something I haven't felt since "HER." But I was completely unaware of the total heartbreak and pain and betrayal and anger I would endure and experience in the next twelve hours.*
As we talked, I began to bring down the walls. As she smiled, I began to fall harder and harder. And I as I stared into her eyes...her beautiful eyes...I felt safe.
Eventually, she had to leave.
As we hugged, I was broken...in a good way (so I thought). She had pulled me completely in (physically and emotionally). She had me, and soon I would be broken...in a negative way...in heart and spirit.
That night we texted a lot. She quoted intimate lines from songs in genres I loved.
*We like the same music.*
She confessed more and more about her feelings towards me.
*I had fallen, so I accepted them whole-heartedly*
But then she began to fight herself. She was pitted against her emotions, her morality...and despite her revealing tales of a love we thought could never be, I could tell she was struggling.
The last text I got that night was, "I'm breaking up with [him] in the morning."
I went to sleep. I dreamed of her. I felt happy, then sorry, then excited, then scared...then guilty.
I woke up for school at 5:30 am and saw one lonely text in my inbox...
"I talked to [him]"
Before I go any further, she explained to me the night before how she would go about this...
1. It would be in person. (I told her that was the best option IF she wanted to go through with it)
2. She would not mention my name when she would explain to him that she had feelings for someone else.
Well, let me begin by saying that she called him at three o'clock in the morning to do this.
*As a side note, she explained in her own post that she was crying for three hours straight before this call and that she couldn't sleep while thinking about this.*
Second, as she told him everything, she gave my name up without so much as a second thought....
I'll explain that second one and the aftermath:
I asked her what happened.
She said that she told him everything she had ever lied to him about. And she continued, saying that she was going to stay with him... "You may think I'm a bitch for doing this, but it's the right thing," she said.
I THOUGHT NOTHING OF THE SORT. I DID NOT THINK SHE WAS A BITCH. I FELT CHEATED, BETRAYED, HEARTBROKEN, TORN APART, STABBED IN THE BACK, UN-ACCEPTED, CHEATED, USED...BUT THE ADJECTIVE "BITCH" NEVER CROSSED MY MIND.
She then followed up with a text explaining that she still wanted to be friends...she still wanted things to be ok between us...
*I did too.*
I texted her while in third hour Advanced Math and asked her, "Tell me one thing. Honestly. Did you mention my name?"
She replied later, stating that he asked, and she believed he had a right to know (which I don't doubt but still felt betrayed for), and she also said, "I'm not a liar anymore."
"Ok. Thanks" was my reply.
It was meant, truthfully, as a thank you for being honest with me and telling me what happened. (It also, honestly, implied sarcasm for the hurt that I received...thanks a whole bunch)
But I wasn't holding a grudge...
However, the next text I received was from "him." It said (in first person however):
"[-him-] is holding the phone now. If you text this phone again, I am going to kick the crap out of you and then pick you back up and beat your ass again. Delete her number"
*A side note - I don't have the text anymore but that is as accurate as I so distinctly remember (the threat is completely accurate)*
I replied to him stating that he shouldn't text me like that without knowing both sides of the story and I told him, "And don't threaten me."
Needless to say, I didn't get a reply back.
As it stands now, I have not heard from her since and she has deleted me on facebook. Also, there is now bad blood between "he" and I.
I wish things would've been different.
I will now state pure opinions (however, well educated):
1. This will hurt their relationship a lot. This will stay on his mind as an idea that he almost lost his girlfriend to me. It will stay on her mind as, she betrayed him (though her feelings for me will still be there...I'm not sure how those feelings will be affected, but they will remain)
2. They will eventually separate. She will feel guilty, but not want to end it. He will sense her guilt. He will still feel the betrayal. He will end it.
*On number two, I may be wrong about it ending, but the other things mentioned will be present and it won't be healthy for their relationship.*
My final word, as I finish this post:
I'm sorry that things happened this way. Things between us won't be the same. I just don't know what I'm supposed to think anymore. I wish them the best, because the best is all I can give them. I'm sorry I had to be the "other guy" that came between them, even though I didn't want this to happen. I take any fault that I deserve, but this wasn't my fault. I'm sorry for what I can be sorry for...
That's all I have to say.
